that de-escalated quickly
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If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.