mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
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When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
#parenting
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.