Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
.. do you even science?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”