If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My parents: If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump off too?
Me as a little kid wearing sunlasses: idk maybe who all is there
I’m more than tenacious.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
C: Jen sounds nice
C: Is Jen single?
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers