@Reverend_Scott
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
@AbbieEvansXO
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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@Reverend_Scott
@caithuls
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
@AllanForsyth
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
@TotallyAllen
My parents: If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump off too?
Me as a little kid wearing sunlasses: idk maybe who all is there
@scot4bz
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
@lexxluthaa
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
@FrenulumBreve
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
@batkaren
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
@WheelTod
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
@PretendMaker
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers