@AbbieEvansXO

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

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@Reverend_Scott

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

@caithuls

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

@AllanForsyth

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

@TotallyAllen

My parents: If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump off too?

Me as a little kid wearing sunlasses: idk maybe who all is there

@scot4bz

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

@FrenulumBreve

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

@batkaren

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

@WheelTod

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

@PretendMaker

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers