Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.