Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”