MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
You Might Also Like
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
the battle rages on
CUTE CAT‼︎
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.