Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
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TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
What is going on? 😅
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.