Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
That lamp looks PISSED.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
english majors be like furthermore