@SardonicTart

Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fizzy dice.

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@alispagnola

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

@TheBoydP

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

@squirrel74wkgn

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

@fuzzlime

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

@fairycakes

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

@Chelsea_Elle

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

@gruffybeard

My barista recognizes me, but she doesn’t seem to know my name. I mean, she’ll look right at me and just yell “get out of my house!”

@lisaxy424

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

@pro_worrier_

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks