#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
You Might Also Like
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.