What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fizzy dice.
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Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
*hides bag of steaks*
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My barista recognizes me, but she doesn’t seem to know my name. I mean, she’ll look right at me and just yell “get out of my house!”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks