Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
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Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
He a real one for that
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel