Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
favorite tropes as memes
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time