If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
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Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
@ candidates for local office
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them