[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
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instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.