@stuckinaportal

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

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@MarkTConard

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

@cluedont

Always put the important stuff in the first part of your tweet, because no one will cat basket the walnuts if there’s pickletits at the end.

@Maxine12333

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

@TheRealHoff10

People keep asking me today “So you have a new boss?” No, I’m still with my wife.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why do u feel like you’re a good fit for our company?

Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I’m looking to be hired

@shondarhimes

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

@TheRolo

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

@KateWhineHall

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

@decentbirthday

Isn’t it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me