[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
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age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.