[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

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If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.


Always put the important stuff in the first part of your tweet, because no one will cat basket the walnuts if there’s pickletits at the end.


Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.


People keep asking me today “So you have a new boss?” No, I’m still with my wife.


Interviewer: why do u feel like you’re a good fit for our company?

Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I’m looking to be hired


Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.


When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.


If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.


Isn’t it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me