@mellimelle

Match dot com, but for socks.

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@Midgetspar

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

@Shock_Monster

“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”

– Twitter

@Stellar_AF

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

@josePhDhoran

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

@Mom_Overboard

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

@MunkMania

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

@david8hughes

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

@AaronCSU54

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

@dragonsorbet

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster