I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Match dot com, but for socks.
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“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Born to be mild.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster