Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
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Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland