Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
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I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it