@daemonic3

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

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@TheresNoGodzila

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

@Parkerlawyer

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

@lazy_joe_

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

@thezachmaginnis

My sister told me to “take the spider out” instead of “kill” it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

@jazz_inmypants

her: i love astrology

me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest

her: that’s astronomy, and yes

@GloriaFallon123

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

@Mom_Overboard

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

@_Rewhan

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

@MarfSalvador

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*