Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
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Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My sister told me to “take the spider out” instead of “kill” it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
her: i love astrology
me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest
her: that’s astronomy, and yes
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug