[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
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PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.