[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
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“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I saw nothing
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]