@FrazzleMyGimp

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

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@Smafa

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

@UncleDuke1969

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

@abhorrent_wife

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

@_thatigirl

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

@daemonic3

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

@Browtweaten

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

@noog

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

@BavlyOlwy

If you love something set it free,unless it’s a lion. Don’t do that.