My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
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Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.