MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
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HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs