I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
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I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.