MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
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me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
i choose….tongue
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing