math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
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Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Asking the real questions!
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US