@fro_vo

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

@Storminika

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

@RexChapman

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

@tweetsvisual

Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.

@markydoodoo

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

@LuvPug

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

@smerobin

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

@XplodingUnicorn

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

@hippieswordfish

‘some ppl call me the space cowboy’
um okay
‘some call me the gangster of love’
sir
‘some call me m-‘
sir we just need a name for your latte