MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.


I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”


Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎


“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*


Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.


IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.


But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.


Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.


Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.


‘some ppl call me the space cowboy’
um okay
‘some call me the gangster of love’
‘some call me m-‘
sir we just need a name for your latte