[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
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I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”
Doing your job.
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
‘some ppl call me the space cowboy’
‘some call me the gangster of love’
‘some call me m-‘
sir we just need a name for your latte