IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
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My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old