Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
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I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
“They say penguins can’t fly. Can’t? Or never got the chance?” I whisper in the penguin’s ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT