I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
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[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
incredible text to wake up to
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
the noise i just made