[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
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My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My daily affirmation
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil