When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.