#math
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Finally a use for spoilers…
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My biological clock is wheezing.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.