Mathematics is the only place you can buy 60 watermelons and no one questions you

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So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.


[In elevator]
Penguin: what floor do you want?
Man: 5th please.
*penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*


Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes


Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy


I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying


Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.






Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES


Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.


There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.


Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.