Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
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Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Finally, an explanation.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.