Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
You Might Also Like
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
⛄️
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.