[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

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My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.


Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.


[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied


Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.


This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would


wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?


I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.


“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.