[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
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I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.