Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
You Might Also Like
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Traveler’s camo
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
my first dose meeting my second
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream