May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
i love modern commerce
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Lunatics are gonna loon.