May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

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When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?


priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*


My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, “no.”


I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.


you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.


Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree


guy cheats on ex. Ex blocks on all platforms. Unblocks just to send GoT spoilers every week


I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill


“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”


I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad