May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
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OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…