“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
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I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”