I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
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[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application