Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
May the Force be Mass times Acceleration.
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Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]