@darkmatter_wimp

May the Force be Mass times Acceleration.

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@VodkaThursday

There’s a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain’t no way I’m climbing that for you.

@AnkCoupleTO

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

@bonehugsnirony

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

@NourHadidi

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

@starrysappho

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

@awesomeseank

Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.

@CatsVsHumanity

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

@hasht4g

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

@stevevsninjas

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

@peterjames48

You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!