@darkmatter_wimp

May the Force be Mass times Acceleration.

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@bossy_bootz

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

@shanethevein

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

@EyeSeeYou619

Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.

@sarcasticmommy4

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

@SCOOPISMS

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

@sarcasticmommy4

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

@Papa_Mex

I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food

@UnFitz

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]