May the Force be Mass times Acceleration.

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There’s a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain’t no way I’m climbing that for you.


I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah


me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it


What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.


my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*


Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.


Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit


What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?


Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*


You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!