May the Force be Mass times Acceleration.

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Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher


I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.


Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.


When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”


I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.


If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.


Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.


I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food


10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]