GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.