@agathagotstoned

May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie

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@DomesticGoddss

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

@Swishergirl24

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

@brynnester

Priest: *takes me aside* I’ve had complaints

Me: About the twerking?

Priest: Yes, about the twerking *rubs temple* Please just sing like everyone else

@KateWhineHall

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

@BuckyIsotope

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

@mela_shea

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

@Llama5x

Me: Mattresses gain weight over time as they absorb dead skin, colonies of dust mites (which feed on same dead skin), oil, and moisture

Them: You need to learn how to have a conversation

@GrandadJFreeman

Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan’s, plays video games, and watches sports with me” wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga

@JustDontBugMe

American: Say Aboot or Sorey? You say words so weird.

Canadian: Yeah eh. Does saying Free health care hurt your feelings?

@TheRolo

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???