@agathagotstoned

May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie

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@Mr_Kapowski

ME: Do we have Bacon Bits?
WIFE: Fridge. Why?
ME: *filling pockets* No reason

*dog park*
PERSON: Sorry. He’s normally behaved
ME: No prob

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

@Pundamentalism

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

@hannahhhhxoxo

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

@pplwtching

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

@ShortSleeveSuit

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

@TheCatWhisprer

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

@CherBear162

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

@chefelicious

I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…