May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie

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ME: Do we have Bacon Bits?
WIFE: Fridge. Why?
ME: *filling pockets* No reason

*dog park*
PERSON: Sorry. He’s normally behaved
ME: No prob


{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.


Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?


Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.


i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him


Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.


My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist


My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.


There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.


I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…