If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie
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A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Priest: *takes me aside* I’ve had complaints
Me: About the twerking?
Priest: Yes, about the twerking *rubs temple* Please just sing like everyone else
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Daycare worker: No.
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Me: Mattresses gain weight over time as they absorb dead skin, colonies of dust mites (which feed on same dead skin), oil, and moisture
Them: You need to learn how to have a conversation
Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan’s, plays video games, and watches sports with me” wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga
American: Say Aboot or Sorey? You say words so weird.
Canadian: Yeah eh. Does saying Free health care hurt your feelings?
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???