“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
#SaturdayBears
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.