May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
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SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
just gave your address to some spiders
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice