@IamEnidColeslaw

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

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@E_lok44

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

@Boleyngirly

I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.

@robfee

Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.

@FrazzleMyGimp

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

@NickMcNevich

Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

@ewfeez

“We’ve traced the call. It’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!”

-Trojan 911 dispatcher

@AimeeHelene1

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

@MatCro

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.