may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
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It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
My blood type is b hungry.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.