may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

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Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.


I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.


Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.


DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.


Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest


ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours


‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.


“We’ve traced the call. It’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!”

-Trojan 911 dispatcher


I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.


Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.