“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
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The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Print is alive and well!!!
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco