Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
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If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
You are what you delete.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.