And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops