Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
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Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I put the p in pants.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
im 7 sauces long
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!