Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
You Might Also Like
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
How to properly lift a body
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I love the honesty
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.